Though it may be that summer is fully upon us, the 2010-2011 season is (supposedly) finished, and Perjuries is seemingly dead...never fear, the Prague is here. I am guessing that at least a few of you have heard the rumors. Well, it turns out they are true. I speak, of course, of the rumors that, with their brazen new found glory, forged out of their 3rd consecutive gracing of the Opening Round Championships, The Collin County Community College Cougars (CCCCC) decided to host the Alternative National Championship Tournament (ANCT). ANCT featured the numerous powerhouse teams of the notorious Graveyard Division—it should be noted that the CCCCC elected not to compete claiming, “We aspire to bigger and better things than competing at some podunk community college.” Meanwhile, Princeton and Yale were eager to attend.
Like the less-illustrious National Championship Tournament (NCT) being held in Shitstain, Iowa, the ANCT features two divisions, and the winner of each competes in the final round. The first division is the Toledo Community College division, named after the only community college to make the final round of NCT. The second division is the Kaplan division. Having once again seized an opportunity to barge unwantedly into the AMTA community, Kaplan has promised the winner of their division a lifetime supply of Kaplan branded No. 2 pencils.
The following are the teams that earned bids to the ANCT by being chosen as “Graveyard” teams by you, the huddled masses of Perjuries.
Air Force A
Arizona State A
Claremont McKenna A*
George Washington A
Middle Tennessee State A
Patrick Henry A
Penn State A*
UC Irvine B
*Indicates team declined bid. Details below.
Though all of these teams received bids to ANCT, there were a few teams that declined. What follows are the teams that declined and the teams that replaced them via the open-grave system (akin to the open-bid system).
- Claremont McKenna declined, citing their preference for Cali-Mexicans over Texi-Mexicans, and was replaced by UGA B.
- Northwestern B declined, citing their abject fear of leaving the suburbs, and was replaced by team Rhodes_Troll.
- NYU B did not decline their bid, but was forced to relinquish it to NYU A after Co’relous wouldn’t stop crying over losing to a bunch of B-teamers.
- Penn State A declined, citing a previously planned outing to UPenn’s campus to toilet-paper roll Douge Haefele’s dorm room, and was replaced by Harvard A, who, after several logistical errors in trying to follow UVA A to Conlin, accidently ended up at ANCT.
- Wisconsin-Superior declined, citing they had a lot of laundry to do, and was replaced by Collin Tierney Community College. Wait...uh, that’s University of Minnesota-Morris.
Note: Instead of random draw, teams are placed in each division by live coin flip, done by AMTA reps Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Heads denotes Toledo, tails denotes Kaplan. Teams are drawn at random, one at a time. Once drawn, the coin is flipped for that team determining their placement. Coincidentally, the results of the coin flips for the first twelve teams drawn placed them in Toledo.
The two divisions were selected as follows:
• Air Force A
• Cornell A
• Duke A
• George Washington A
• Iowa A
• Maryland A
• Michigan A
• MTSU A
• NYU A
• Tennessee A
• UCLA A
TOLEDO COMMUNITY COLLEGE DIVISION:
• ASU A
• Columbia A
• Gonzaga A
• Harvard A
• Miami B
• Northwood A
• Patrick Henry A
• Princeton A
• UC-Irvine B
• UGA B
• Yale A
After the draw the field was set and this past weekend the teams competed in the ANCT. Though the CCCCC has not yet posted the tab summary (mostly because it has been “misplaced”), what follows is all the results complete with analysis.
RESULTS FROM THE KAPLAN DIVISION:
12) Cornell University (0-6): Also known as the “suicide ivy,” Cornell lived up to their reputation this past weekend. After literally hiking from one hell-hole (Ithaca, New York) to another (CCCCC, Texas), they were too depressed to give it their full effort. After an 0-6 start that paired them up against Air Force in round 4, they elected to not even show up. Instead, they were found at the bar. The teams’ drink of choice? Kamikaze shots.
11) Air Force (0-8): Everyone knows that AMTA is serious about teams not revealing what school they’re from. This weekend we learned just how serious they are. Air Force, despite a competent team and case theory, were disqualified in every round for insisting on wearing their blues to compete. Eventually they were forced to initiate “Operation: 0-6” in round 4. Their case theory consisted of celebrating Osama bin Laden’s death, yet asserting that the Air Force should have been allowed to “BOMB THE HELL OUT OF ALL OF PAKISTAN TEN YEARS AGO!!!”
10) Iowa (3-5): Iowa was one of the more disappointed teams that failed to make NCT given how high expectations were for them. Granted, they lost coaches and they lost all their real talent with Evans and Narayan. Still, Garrett Burrell was convinced that he could win attorney awards, and keep his team in the spotlight this season. Well, he won attorney awards. They were a bit sad to not even compete in their home state at NCT. Even with a second chance at ANCT, they disappointed yet again, finishing 3-5.
9) Maryland (3-4-1, CS: Lower than MTSU): Crestfallen that they only were able to field one team to ANCT, therefore having no chance of recreating a Maryland v. Maryland shitshow for the final round (and necessitate a resurrection of the Maryland rule), the Terrapins’ lackluster performance featured a sole victory against fellow reputation-huggers, Iowa.
8) MTSU (3-4-1, CS: Higher than Maryland): Clinging onto nothing more than reputation, the 80’s, and hosting the 348 team, AMSCF (Annual Mid-South Cluster-F*ck), MTSU has struggled to compete with top competition of recent. Their 2-0 victory in the first round was likely more of a fluke than anything. Having just arrived in CCCCC, Texas only a few hours prior to the first round, MTSU competitors were still on an excitement-high after realizing that Murfreesboro, Tennessee is not most soul-crushing hell-hole in America.
7) Michigan (3-4-1, CS: Higher than MTSU): Not unlike the Michigan football team, defense was a weakness for the Wolverines, dropping all 4 defense ballots. Even with Thole and Thomas scoring as many points as possible, the rest of the team was just that bad. Rumor has it that Michigan’s coach was fired. He was spotted drinking with Rich Rodriquez, discussing the glory days of yore and their former All-Americans Pat White and Sarah Wilbur. Despite the constant comparisons to the glory days, Michigan was able to celebrate in the fact their arch-rival, Michigan State, was located in a town shittier than CCCCC, Texas.
6) Rhodes_Troll (4-4): Despite only bringing a six-troll roster (Rhodes_Captain, Rhodes_Witness, Rhodes_Student, Rhodes_Auntie_Mabel, Rhodes_pinksock, and RHODETTE), the team offset their usual advantage of under-the-table bribing of their judging pool with the fact that they all refused to provide their actual names and insisted on competing while wearing ski masks—the only thing they were proud to announce is that they were from “the great Rhodes.” It is also suspected, though not yet confirmed, that the Rhodes_Troll team is responsible for removing the official tab summaries from the ballot folders and replacing them with a tab summary that only featured their team placing and winning All(ternative)-American Awards.
5) Tennessee (5-3): Tennessee came out of the gates with guns blazing, starting 4-0, but finished 1-3. At first it appeared that Tennessee just lost the magic touch, but then everyone realized the real difference. In their first two rounds, they were able to play to the judges’ biases by telling them that they were a “certain UT that wears orange.” After the secret got out as to who they really were, it was all downhill for the Volunteers.
4) Duke (5-2-1): Prior to ANCT, Alex Bluebond was replaced, at the command of Gus Lazurus, by legendary Coach Mike Krzyzewski, who immediately reordered the entire attorney depth chart, naming the Plumlees (Miles, Marshall, and Mike) the starting attorneys. With his commanding height, Miles was able to rebound on his rebuttal in round 4 to give Duke the buzzer-beating points it needed to make the final four of the division.
3) UCLA (6-2, CS: less than NYU): In an attempt to be funny or cool, J. Michael Maynard and Stephen Mayer introduced themselves at opening ceremony as “James Caress and Jake Perkowski.” Unfortunately for UCLA, they were not even close to that good. Granted, there were able to channel a little bit of the magic in round 3 as they easily crushed NYU A, but their relaxed, west coast vibe never stood a chance before the Texas judges against the uptight, über-conservative vibe that GW gave off in round 4. This put an end to any hope for being NCT and ANCT champs at the same time. That, coupled with a weak CS resulting from hitting Cornell and Maryland, UCLA had to settle for third.
2) NYU “B” (6-2, CS: more than UCLA): NYU’s A team roster was sent under the guise of the B team; a move previously trademarked by UVA. Like UVA, the move didn’t work out so well, as NYU lost in round 3 to UCLA A. This solidified the fact that West Coast>East Coast; well, at least that UCLA>NYU. Despite claims to the contrary, Jordano’s objections lacked intelligence; Co’relous was crying before the round ever started (apparently he hadn’t stopped since facing UCLA at NCT); and Diamond was, shall we say, rough. NYU thought that by going to this tournament, they’d easily walk in and win. It looks like the defending National Champs were wrong and are still stuck in second place.
1) George Washington (8-0): With the help of rogaine and a skilled tailor, GW was looking much better than they did in their previous foray into the national (and Youtube) spotlight. They were also blessed with the good fortune of only competing against other equally white teams. After changing his position on wanting to be judged “after a real tournament like ORCS,” Paul Blair led the team with stirring arguments and had great perception of what had been happening during the rounds.
RESULTS FROM THE TOLEDO COMMUNITY COLLEGE DIVISION:
12) UGA B (0-8): We have all heard that UGA takes a few creative liberties when designing their case theories. Well, this past weekend UGA B outdid themselves. While the rest of competitors tried Davis v. Happyland Toy Company, the Bulldogs insisted on arguing Gilbertson v. The Everest Experience. Though this might seem extreme enough of an invention, UGA argued that the equipment that P.J. Gilbertson used actually contained a manufacturing defect...The Prague is surprised that no one has created a new thread on perjuries about this yet.
11) UM-Morris (0-7-1): Led by the man who only smokes, UM-Morris did about as expected, winning half a ballot. There is no need to fear, however, as Collin Tierney was able to win yet another attorney award; an All(ternative) American Award. In the first round, UM-Morris and Gonzaga tied a ballot. After the round the judge of that ballot is quoted as saying, “I didn’t know how to differentiate between two equally standard teams with only a single relevant member.”
10) Gonzaga (1-6-1): Halfway through the first round, Drew Pollman suffered a debilitating injury in a stress fracture to his shoulder. It wasn’t meant to carry a whole team. Lucky for him, it turns out that UC-Irvine provided a sedan chair manned by their E-team to transport the namesake of its Beach Party top-competitor award around for the rest of the weekend.
9) Yale (2-5-1, CS: Same as Princeton, OCS: Same as Princteon, PD: Same as Princeton, Hated more than Princeton): Back to their old tricks at ANCT, Yale managed to turn all of their rounds into race wars, arguing that “Blake-KK Lexington” had it out for the ethnic minority Davis family and that Quinn wasn’t actually Brown. Either way, they failed to take into account the fact that rural Texan judges simply did not care about their plight. Location, location, location.
8) Princeton (2-5-1, CS: Same as Yale, OCS: Same as Yale, PD: Same as Yale, Hated less than Yale): The school formerly known as the College of New Jersey did not have a very successful trip to ANCT. Besides learning that you cannot change the name of your attorneys to unpronounceable symbols, Princeton learned an important lesson about their experts. You cannot, under any circumstances, call a gimpy, narcissistic doctor to the stand as Gardner to talk about all the invasive and barbaric tests he would have had his team run on the two year-old to arrive at a diagnosis that Joey was killed by Lupus.
7) Harvard (4-4): Resnek, he’s a schmuck. Four teams this weekend had to try cases in front of Schmuck Resnek, whose skin started burning off as soon as he set foot on the campus of a community college. Schmuck Resnek was reportedly seen eating handfuls of princess beads every few hours all weekend. But eventually, after having made tens of thousands of dollars supporting the habits of various recreational competitors (five dollars at a time), AMTA ran out of sanctioned princess beads. Firmly set in withdrawal, Schmuck Resnek became furious in-round. Not only did Schmuck Resnek start screaming at witnesses, he was heard muttering under his breath frequently, always asking for “a damn continuance.”
6) Patrick Henry (5-3; CS: less than Columbia): Only two things put this school on the map: Bush and UVA. One of them matters to mock trial. One of them matters to Texas. With UVA absent from the field, the Sentinels of Patrick Henry had no giants to slay, and they were expected to simply crumble and then go home. Instead, CCCCC, Texas’ close proximity to Crawford Ranch gave the Bush-lovers a built in territorial advantage that bit Yale in the ass. Patrick Henry went back to their home school with a respectable 5 wins.
5) Columbia University (5-3; CS: more than Patrick Henry): Since ANCT is distinct from NCT, Buchanan Vines has 5 full years of eligibility at ANCT. He used the first of those five here this weekend. Columbia came out with a chip on their shoulder after missing NCT and Vines came out with a watch in his pocket after missing the technological advances of the 21st century. Vines dominated through the first 2 rounds, getting Columbia off to a 4-0 start. Vines, however, was both a virtue and a vice, as Columbia used him, but forgot to protect against him. He left the team on a whim (via hot air balloon) after round 2 and they crumbled to finish 1-3.
4) UC-Irvine B (6-2) Once again, the Anteaters power-squatted their way to victory at ANCT. Despite their noticeable lack of ginger, the slack was made up by the man himself, the man of action, the only man with a Ph.D. in kicking your ass. I’m speaking, of course, about Dr. Tran. Of course someone who isn’t even a real doctor can only take you so far. That, coupled with losing the inherent advantage of not having the case author as your coach, Irvine found themselves in 4th place.
3) Miami B (6-1-1): Lead by Legros Outstanding Competitor Krista Pikus, Miami B finished an impressive third. At 6-0 entering the 4th round, the B team met their match when loss-tying with Northwood A. Up until that point, Dan Herron’s new dangling carrot seemed like it was working. He told them if they didn’t finish top 2, he’d eat them. Looks like the B team will be entirely newbies next year.
2) ASU (7-1): Yarborough; Brittany Yarborough.
1) Northwood (7-0-1): With Johnnie Cochran dead, Northwood’s first choice for closing attorney had already been stymied, leading them to spend their entire mock trial budget on buying back the services of professional impersonator (and four-button suit connoisseur) Jonathon Hartsfield. With the loopholing expertise of a certain Cecil Newton, Hartsfield was deemed eligible to compete and wowed the judges with his famous Chewbacca defense, in which he argued that Happyland’s employment of ewoks constituted police brutality.
So, at the conclusion of the 4 rounds, we had the stage all set for the final round: Northwood versus GW. Just like the 2009 duel at NCT, many expected this to be a slaughtering like the last time. It turned out this prediction was too prophetic...
Be it by chance or fate; the will of a god or the accident of man; the final round never took place. Unbeknownst to the other, Jimmy Cool and Kris Lyons were both present at ANCT. Both, full of self importance, went to the courtroom that would serve as the battleground for the 5th round to set up the room. When they walked in, however, they saw each other.
ANCT FINAL ROUND:
LYONS v. COOL - DEATHMATCH
Both bound by the sacrosanct AMTA rep Code of the Sekitori, the combatants prepared to fight freely about the well, armed with nothing more than a ball-peen hammer and a paisley-print loincloth. Lyons struck first, as he was able to distract his adversary by converting his loincloth into a perfectly crafted bowtie. Though Cool didn’t think he could handle the textilean onslaught, he knew who could. He tried to tag-team with Brittany Yarborough, but right before doing so, he had her mock trial career flash before his eyes. Realizing that if Lyons dealt a fatal blow to her, she couldn’t win more attorney awards, Cool elected to stay and fight.
What happened next no one will ever know. The doors flew closed, the blinds were shut, and the filming equipment failed. Like traveling to the dark side of the moon, for 20 minutes no one knows what happened in that room. We may never know what led to the ending of this fight. We may never know how they ended up as they did. For the next soul to enter that room was Paul Blair. Yes, the man himself from GW walked in to begin setting up for the 5th round that ultimately never took place. When he flung back open those doors, he saw a sight that will never leave him until the day he passes from this world into the next. He saw, lying on the floor like star-crossed lovers, the dead bodies of Jimmy Cool and Kris Lyons. Astutely, he opined:
“It looked like a murder.”
And thus was born next year’s case.