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Thread: Affidavit of Prague Gnostic Hater

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    May 2011

    Affidavit of Prague Gnostic Hater

    After being duly sworn upon oath, Prague Gnostic Hater hereby deposes and states as follows:

    Greetings, Perjuries.

    The Prague has spent the past year in grave danger. After gracing you, the tired, the poor of Perjuries with the knowledge of a competing entity to AMTA—The Alternative National Championship Tournament (ANCT)—The Prague fell on hard times. No, not the type of hard times that have befallen many in the country (and Bellarmine mock trial), but the type of hard times mostly known to the likes of international spies, presidents, and Bono. Yes, The Prague has been the target of an assassination. What follows in this affidavit are dark secrets, tales of espionage, and an ugly truth not fit for all to hear. It is The Prague’s hope that by giving this affidavit The Prague can enlighten the huddled masses yearning to breathe free, to bring about change and the power that comes only with knowledge. By electing to read further you are recognizing potential danger to yourself, and assuming the risk. You realize that upon learning the truth, you will have no choice but to accept it as fact and reality. We are The Prague. Resistance is futile.

    This has been a trying year for The Prague. The more The Prague reflected on what happened last year at ANCT, the more things did not add up. Why were Kris Lyons and Jimmy Cool both there? How did they not know about each other? The Prague saw Lyons’ dead body; how was Lyons around at AMTA events this year and doing the live draw on webcam? How come more people on Perjuries didn't comment about ANCT? Something was amiss. Something was wrong.

    These began as just questions in The Prague’s mind, but before the summer was even over, The Prague would try to see just how deep the rabbit hole went. One day The Prague received a PM from Lyons’ Perjuries account asking The Prague to identify The Prague’s self and join the case committee. This didn't make sense—Lyons was dead. When The Prague didn't respond, it was only a matter of time. One day, on The Prague’s way home from purchasing some arugula, The Prague saw a red-dot on The Prague’s shirt. The Prague ducked just in time, as a bullet whizzed past and shot out the glass on the Impala across the street. The Prague took cover behind a phone booth occupied by a cheeky-looking Irishman, and was able to flee before being caught. The Prague was now ensconced in something way bigger than The Prague could ever imagine.

    That first week, The Prague focused on staying safe and in hiding. But then, The Prague though of you, the wretched refuse of the teeming shore of Perjuries. All of you who needed The Prague, relied on The Prague, and had no idea how you could also be in danger. The Prague made it a personal mission this past year to uncover the truth. What was going on? Who tried to kill The Prague, and why? This quest thrust The Prague into a dark world of corporate greed and espionage. The Prague knew two things. First, this mystery had to be uncovered. Second, ANCT 2 had to happen. Something about the first ANCT had set AMTA off. If The Prague was able to convince someone to host another ANCT, perhaps The Prague could get to the bottom of all this. What follows are the details The Prague uncovered about AMTA, the Lyons-Cool deathmatch, the assassination attempt on The Prague’s life, and, of course, what happened at ANCT.

    The first order of business was deciding on a location. As suitable as CCCCC, Texas had once been, things had gotten too big for a (former) community college. It had to be Des Moines, Iowa. As the birthplace of AMTA, if ever there was a conspiracy, there would be evidence of it somewhere in Polk County. It also struck The Prague as suspicious that AMTA was keeping competitors out of Des Moines this year; something was happening there. The Prague still needed a school to host ANCT.

    After seeing Josh Peterson suffering from the severe depression caused by not competing at the NCT Peterson’s own school hosted, The Prague decided to exploit it by offering Peterson (and Hamline University) the opportunity to host ANCT. The Prague sweetened the offer by promising Peterson (and the more apathetic roster of Hamline) the opportunity to compete as well. Since Perjuries has clearly slacked in the duty of reanimating the graveyard division, The Prague took it upon The Prague’s self to create this year’s graveyard division. The teams are as follows:

    1. University of Iowa A
    2. University of California-Irvine B*
    3. Tulane University A
    4. Columbia University A
    5. Rhodes College B
    6. University of Georgia A
    7. Ohio State University A*
    8. Penn State University A
    9. University of Washington A
    10. University of Alabama-Birmingham B
    11. Roger Williams University A
    12. Hamline University A
    13. Baylor University A*
    14. Middle Tennessee State University B
    15. Duke University B
    16. Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey B
    17. Vanderbilt University A*
    18. Drake University A
    19. Yale University A
    20. CCCCC A
    21. Howard University B
    22. University of Oregon A*
    23. Bowling Green State University A
    24. University of California-Santa Cruz A

    *Indicates team declined bid. Details below.

    Though all of these teams received bids to ANCT, there were a few teams that declined. What follows are the teams that declined and the teams that replaced them via the open-grave system (akin to the open-bid system).

    • UC-Irvine B declined their invitation to attend, citing previous plans by Justin Bernstein to the contrary, and was (once again) replaced by UC-Irvine A.
    • Ohio State University A declined, citing anger over the absence of the article “The” in Ohio State University’s invitation and was replaced by Collin Tierney Community College of Law. Wait...uh, that’s Boalt Law School C.
    • Baylor University A declined, citing a newly instituted moratorium on extracurricular activities following a seldom-reported incident in which Brittney Griner “allegedly” hunted down and fed upon both Williams sisters, and was replaced by Team Prodigal.
    • Vanderbilt A declined, citing a refusal to compete in an academic tournament featuring Duke, the Vandy of the ACC, and was replaced by the Georgia B of mock trial, Georgia B.
    • Oregon A had every intention of competing at ANCT, but with no budget to finance flying, decided to make the trip overland. Half the team tragically perished after an ill-fated attempt to ford the river. The rest have died of dysentery. They were replaced at the last minute by ITT-Tech.

    The two divisions of the Second Annual ANCT were named after a law firm and an individual who contributed as much to ANCT as anyone: nothing. The first division is the Young, Frutt, and Berluti division. The second division is the Billings Learned Hand division.

    With the untimely expiration of the two AMTA reps that presided over last year’s coin flip, The Prague took inspiration from The Prague’s World Cup counterpart. Oracle Paul Wiley the Octopus was unceremoniously and forthwith placed into a very large tank with several open feed bags strewn about, labeled with the teams. The first 12 teams that Oracle Paul Wiley the Octopus feasted upon (or at least the bags denoted as such) were placed in the Billings Learned Hand Division.


    • UGA A
    • Yale A
    • Howard B
    • Boalt Law School C
    • Columbia A
    • Prodigals A
    • Tulane A
    • Duke B
    • UC-Irvine A
    • Rhodes B
    • Washington A
    • UC-Santa Cruz A


    • Penn State A
    • UGA B
    • Hamline A
    • Drake A
    • Roger Williams A
    • ITT-Tech A
    • CCCCC A
    • BGSU A
    • Rutgers A
    • MTSU A
    • Iowa A
    • UAB A

    The results from the rounds were as follows complete with analysis:


    12) Boalt Law School C (0-7-1): Since the man who only smokes will not leave Perjuries alone, The Prague decided to allow the man who only smokes to continue to pester mock trial. Having graduated from one community college only to enroll in another, The Prague took pity on this previous All(ternative) American and allowed this law school to compete. A bunch of 1L’s and the man who only smokes did about as expected, winning half a ballot.

    11) UC-Irvine A (1-7): He is a man of action. He is a man of honor. He is a man of duty. Unfortunately, he is not a man of two national tournaments.

    10) Duke B (1-6-1): The Prague feels the need to correct a misnomer. The Duke team that won NCT was actually the team coached by Mike Krzyzewski and headed by Plumlees—who had a lot of time on their hands after an early exit from some other tournament. Alex Bluebond’s team was competing here at ANCT. The Blue Devils fared about as well at ANCT as J. J. Reddick does at poetry, or Tucker Max does at tact.

    9) Howard B (3-5): Howard was eager to compete at ANCT, just being happy to get away from D.C. for a while. Unfortunately, Toby J. Heytens curiously showed up to all four of their rounds. Toby J. Heytens especially enjoyed the round against Yale.

    8) Yale A (4-4, CS: lower than Rhodes): Yale and Howard hit in a round that drew considerable attention in the AMTA community. Obviously the prospect of the racially insensitive team hitting Howard was fascinating to the AMTA masses. Though Yale has been fairly quiet the last few years, including zero appearances at NCT, Yale has been busy. Yale had set out to perfect Yale’s “Race-Case”, and the prospect of a mother district attorney charging a kid with her daughter’s murder seemed like the perfect case to unleash it. The stage was set and the action was sure to be intense. The bison were prepped and seemingly ready to stampede through their opponents, but what Yale threw at Howard, no one saw coming: reverse racism.

    7) Rhodes B (4-4, CS: higher than Yale): With Michael Polovich finally not competing on Rhodes B (by the good graces of graduation only), the team would still not go away on Perjuries, but did on the national stage. Despite the ancient tales of their previous success in Des Moines, Rhodes had some struggles this time around. Rhodes’ worst adversary was not any team at (this year’s) ANCT. Rather, Rhodes struggled most with bad PR among the judging pool resulting mostly from a ski-mask-clad team that judges had previously seen. Between that and the pressure from high expectations professed by Josh Peterson’s latest video, the Lynx barely broke even at ANCT.

    6) Prodigals A (4-3-1): In a move truly unsurprising to The Prague, AMTA sent a team to ANCT comprised of strange, amorphous beings called Prodigals (Prodigal Son, Prodigal Daughter, Prodigal Ginger Stepchild, Prodigal Drunk Uncle, The Earls Ox, Oracle of AMTA). AMTA created these various beings in an attempt to replace The Prague Gnostic Hater and cause the homeless, tempest tossed readers of Perjuries to forget about The Prague. At first, this team was entertaining and almost succeeded in fooling Perjuries (and judges at ANCT). Prodigal Son was able to spam information, but lacked any real depth. Prodigal Daughter came on strong, but ultimately asked too many questions and provided too little information. Prodigal Ginger disappeared quickly, and the Earls Ox and Oracle of AMTA were worthless through and through. Prodigal Drunk Uncle attempted to entertain and enlighten (much like a certain Prague The Prague knows), but Drunk Uncle drank himself to death by round 2, registering a BAC of .39. In the end, despite a strong start, this team was unable to make it to the final round of ANCT and distract Perjuries from The Prague. It was clear that AMTA was willing to go to great lengths to silence The Prague.

    5) UC-Santa Cruz A (5-3): UC-Santa Cruz came out slugs blazing with a 4-0 start. But after day one, Patrick O’Connor mysteriously disappeared. He was next seen banging on the door of the Taco Bell drive-thru window at 4:00 in the morning accompanied by one Jonathon Hartsfield, who happened to be in Des Moines for some inexplicable reason. Santa Cruz’s opponents in rounds 3 and 4 took note, coaxing O’Connor into a bear trap with a trail of peculiar brownie batter to keep him from competing. Without their shining white knight, the banana slugs fell to finish 1-3.

    4) Washington A (5-2-1): Being one of the bigger named teams to not reach NCT this year made Washington a contender to win ANCT. Despite the huskies’ talent and experience, inter-team conflict would be their downfall. Both of the Crown brothers insisted on giving both opening statements. Unfortunately, there could only be one opening to woo them all. With the team members split evenly among their fellowship, Washington’s wizard of the coach ultimately had to decide which Crown was more precious. Of course, one does not simply take up one Crown over the other and expect no repercussions. Taking sides opened more doors to conflict, and the brothers fought betwixt themselves all tournament, until the rest of the team got fed up enough to throw them both into a nearby volcano.

    3) Columbia A (6-2, CS: lower than Tulane): Certain members of Columbia A (Koenig, Batmanglij, Tomson, and Baio) spent the Friday through Sunday before ANCT preparing for the tournament by watching entire seasons of True Blood, followed by Twilight when the team became desperate for material. While doing their best to pretend that they never want to see the emblematic Buchanan Vines again, Columbia took center stage with a great 4-0 start. Apparently Columbia is cursed with déjà vu, and Vines is too alluring. The talented ensemble helped Columbia to a 4-0 start, but then left on a whim to visit Vines at Martha’s Vineyard to plan a yachting trip to get out of Cape Cod. Fortunately for Columbia, since the A team was attending ANCT, the lions had just enough talent to split rounds 3 and 4 to eke out a 6-2 finish.

    2) Tulane A (6-2, CS: higher than Columbia): Taking inspiration from the NFL, AMTA recently started suspending teams for bounty programs. Sean Payton, anxious to prove to Roger Goodell that he is a good person, seized this opportunity to coach in another league that punished for bounties and run a clean team. Payton took over at Tulane, and with Greg Williams heading up the defense with Jonathan Vilma as point man they featured the most ferocious defense seen at this tournament, winning every ballot. Unfortunately, they couldn’t find a short, balding man to score points on the other side and lacked the balance to compete with UGA, dropping both in round 4. Unconfirmed rumor has it there is a $10,000 NOT-bounty on Ethan Tracy’s head. Apparently he is worth as much as Brett Favre.

    1) UGA A (7-1) UGA A showed up to ANCT still drunk from UGA’s post-ORC’s pity party. Through sheer inebriation the bulldogs found a completely new style—relaxed, understated, and most importantly, sometimes quiet. The Prague could exhaustively list every drink the team consumed between ORCs and ANCT, but that might take longer than 9 minutes. It suffices to say that when it came to sobriety, Danny Dawson ranked no higher than sixth drunkest person in every round. Brandon Amy ranked first in all of them, ending every speech with, “IT’S GREEAT TO BEE A BORGIA DULLGOG!”


    12) UGA B (0-8): Stubbornness abounds for UGA B. Apparently UGA B was still insisting on trying Gilbertson v. The Everest Experience. UGA B had made one substantive change to UGA B’s case theory. The bulldogs were now arguing that the mother who owned the Everest Experience had it out for Gilbertson. After losing every round because UGA B was (still) trying the wrong case, Lauren Lutton was quoted as saying “we give up. We are never trying this f*cking case again.” Upon being informed that next year’s case would be Gilbertson but set underwater, Lutton remarked, “scuba diving? Goddammit.”

    11) Roger Williams (1-7): Roger Williams reached Perjuries fame thanks to some girl named Kate Dumeer. This fame on the tiny screen never translated to tangible success in the courtroom. The hawks were eager to prove themselves at ANCT, with Ms. Dumeer ready for a close-up. Unfortunately, they flopped among critics and judges, winning only a single ballot from some judge named Armond White.

    10) Iowa A (2-5-1): Will Mattessich is not Garrett Burrell. That is the single saddest sentence The Prague has ever written.

    9) UAB B (3-5): Grady Lowman likes to compete in mock trial. Crestfallen that Lowman finally used up the last year of AMTA eligibility, Lowman commandeered the B team at ANCT, and immediately began conducting captains’ meetings outside. At first it seemed as though Lowman’s tactic was meant to throw off other teams before rounds. It didn’t take long for everyone to discover its true purpose, and Lowman was suspended for a rulebook violation: “intentionally destroying or defacing” his own lungs after attempting to clear a carton of Marlboro Lights as a demonstrative aid in round 3. After losing their star, the blazers crumbled to finish 3-5.

    8) CCCCC A (3-4-1, CS: lower than ITT-Tech): CCCCC has been on the edge of glory for quite some time, scrapping for every point at ORCs but never quite breaking through to NCT. Last year, CCCCC hosted the first annual ANCT, but chose not to compete. This year CCCCC changed their mind. Of course, this wasn’t all CCCCC changed. This one-time community college has finally forsaken the community. After years of quickly cycling through potential mock trial superstars, CCCCC realized that two-year careers were not long enough to fully groom these star-studded prospects. At the request of the mock trial program, the board of directors dropped one of the C’s and added two more years of edumacation. The results so far have been impressive, including an All-ORC and All (ternative) American Award for Chris Arnell. The Prague considered honoring CCCCC’s name change in this post, but its current nickname remains too iconic and easy to pronounce.

    7) ITT-Tech A (3-4-1, CS: higher than CCCCC): International Telephone & Telegraph Technical Institute did not show up to ANCT with a mock trial team, but rather 6 sales representatives attempting to sell publicly traded shares of its for-profit corporation. The ballots ITT-Tech won can be attributed to bored judges who appreciated the change of pace, and the fact that the sales reps never once mentioned Danny Dawson. Paranoid about having to deal with competition in a potential applicant pool, agents from Thomas M. Cooley Law School quickly rounded up ITT-Tech’s “team,” locked them in a room with computers, and forced them to blog about Cooley’s exceptional 2nd place ranking for the rest of the tournament. In short, Karma is not a nice lady.

    6) MTSU B (4-4): Jon Vile really outdid John Vile’s self this time. Instead of the usual American flag or noble bald eagle tie, Vile kidnapped Lee Greenwood and stapled the man to the front of Vile’s collar. However, Vile deemed defending a drunkard like Danny Dawson to be wholly unAmurican, and the blue raiders lost all 4 defense ballots after trying their prosecution case in those rounds as well.

    5) Rutgers A (4-3-1): Learning from the mistakes of Don Imus, Twitter, and Court TV, The Prague is not touching this one with a 10-foot pole.

    4) Bowling Green State A (5-3): Uriah Harrell, sporting an American flag lapel pin, shouted, yelled, chest thumped, screamed, and ALEX-BLOCK-impersonated his way to Perjuries fame this year. Unfortunately, like so many other one-hit-wonder chest-thumpers, Harrell was unable to get his team back to NCT this year, so Harrell had to settle for ANCT. Though the falcons performed well overall, Harrell met his match when facing MTSU. Overcome with jealousy over Vile’s neck-ware, Uriah threw a temper tantrum and collapsed into a Heep. Apparently, Harrell did not like being upstaged by anyone, even a coach.

    3) Hamline A (6-2): After a ceremonial yet painfully prominent presence at NCT, the pipers were ecstatic to actually compete at their own tournament. This exuberance naturally led to the creation of another video. This time Josh Peterson dressed up as a gay pirate, rapping “Rico Suave” in its entirety. While this move galvanized Hamline to dominate their first 3 rounds, it had unexpected consequences, sending their round 4 competitors over the edge.

    2) Drake A (7-1): Drake have hosted many an NCT, but have not made it to competition in recent years. Finally able to enjoy Drake’s home field advantage, Drake largely swept through the first three rounds. But hearing Hamline complain about Hamline’s hosting plight can only be compared to Medgar Evers hearing Rodney King complain about discrimination. The sight of Josh Peterson’s sensual performance as Gerardo finally sent Drake over the edge. Set to hit Hamline in round 4, the bulldogs pulled billy clubs out of their tripod bags and proceeded to viciously beat their opponents to death in the middle of the well. The judges, having also seen the video, found it a convincing case theory.

    1) Penn State (8-0): Penn State had a unique advantage at ANCT, keeping competitors fresh through the use of constant substitutions from Penn State’s bench. Penn State A handled the prosecution case-in-chief, while Penn State B handled the cross examinations. Penn State C took the prosecution openings while Penn State D took the closings. Penn State C handled Penn State’s defense case in chief, while Penn State D handled the cross examinations. Penn State A did the defense openings, while Penn State B handled the closings. Since the nittany lions finished 8-0, the only conclusion The Prague could reach is that all of Penn State’s teams were, in fact, equal in talent and ability. How about that.

    And there it was. The final stage was set: UGA versus Penn State. After the four rounds had wrapped up, The Prague had learned much about AMTA, the previous ANCT, and the events of the past year that caused The Prague to go into hiding. However, there was still much to be learned, and many questions left unanswered.

    The most glaring anomaly was Jimmy Cool and Kris Lyons. How Lyons had done the live draw this year? The Prague knew Lyons, along with Cool (and Prescott Ooms), was still dead. The Prague had seen their egos both bestride this narrow world to find themselves dishonorable graves.

    Another inconsistency was the upcoming case. Last year, the criminal case committee had taken the time to write one themselves. This year, the civil case committee simply used an old case. This made no sense, especially since the civil case committee is headed by taskmaster Toby J. Heytens.

    Since The Prague was already in Iowa, the obvious next move was to infiltrate 2700 Westtown Parkway, Suite 410, West Des Moines. After coordinating a series of break ins, taping the door locks and placing wiretaps, the Prague found nothing but a huge stack of DVD’s surrounding the mummified remains of Dick Calkins.

    Though the information from the wiretaps was laden with profanity and heavily redacted, The Prague was able to piece together several inconvenient truths. AMTA had labeled The Prague a freedom fighter. Apparently, AMTA believed that since The Prague had reported on ANCT, The Prague wanted to bring down AMTA in favor of a new Colossus to rule the world of mock trial.

    As it turns out, AMTA had dispatched the civil case committee to do its bidding, issuing an ultimatum to hunt The Prague down and bring an end to the Prague’s supremacy. Given such a herculean task, Toby J. Heytens dedicated full resources to it. This explained why there was no time for giving AMTA a new case next year; everyone was being used to hunt down The Prague. Once the committee had discovered The Prague Identity, Toby J. Heytens had sent his top agent Glen Halva-Jackbauer, armed with a high-powered rifle fitted with a scope, to end The Prague that fateful day last summer.

    As for the ghostly reappearance of Kris Lyons, AMTA had created realistic hologram technology to make it seem as though Lyons was alive and well, sporting a bow-tie and staging the live draw for all to see. This technology was later sold and used to similarly “resurrect” Tupac Shakur.

    The Prague had uncovered the ugly truth, but still needed to spread the information to the unsuspecting mockers nationwide. With the final round competitors set in place, The Prague had a plan in mind: to educate the two finalists on everything that had been happening and attempt to convince UGA and Penn State to weave this information into the round. The word would get out because The Prague had negotiated broadcasting rights with ESPN 8.5, The Ocho-Cinco, to ensure that the truth would reach the masses. In order to tell UGA and Penn State everything, The Prague needed more time, and had to create a distraction.


    The All-American round was eschewed by AMTA years ago, as round after round had devolved into a tale told by 12 idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. The round had never accomplished much or amused many, but reinstating it could buy The Prague more time.

    In an effort to avoid offending actual mock trial judges, The Prague took judge selection about as seriously as the competitors would likely take the round. First, The Prague was able to lure Kerry Collins out of retirement with a handle of rye. Metta World Peace was also brought in to preside over objections. Finally, Matthew Stafford was slated to judge, but was intercepted midair on the way to Des Moines and was replaced, to the great relief of the Washington Nationals (who desperately needed the respite) with Bryce Harper.

    The All-American round was all set to begin, but the roster was missing one person. The night before, Des Moines animal control found a strange creature buried in a dumpster behind the Taco Bell where O’Connor and Hartsfield were banging on the window in utter futility mere feet away. The creature had a grey and black striped tail, dark circles around the eyes, and was rooting through the garbage for food scraps. Mistaking said creature for a large raccoon (and its frothing attempt to communicate as a telltale sign of rabies), Des Moines animal control captured the poor beast and euthanized it. It wasn’t until it was too late that they found the collar around the creature’s neck. It read: “Hi, my name is BEN WALLACE. If found, please call GREG SIEGEL at 202-5555.”

    As the round started, a spectator asked “is that Ben Wallace sitting as Dawson at the defense table?” NOPE. Chuck Testa. Once called, Greg Siegel made sure that the creature found in the dumpster would make it to the All-American round one way or another. Naturally, the answer lay (as it so often does) in taxidermy. Brought in for the sole purpose of playing Wallace, Iain Lampert was seen rigging up a system of puppet strings on the husk of what was once Wallace before the round, but Lampert became distracted when Lampert began facebook friending every spectator in the gallery and their extended family members. Sans puppeteer, Wallace conveyed around the usual level of emotion throughout the round, leading to the aforementioned confusion.

    This confusion was only exacerbated by the presence of Thomas Cull, who, though not taxidermized, puppet-stringed, or dead, was mistaken for a wax figure several times throughout the round. When asked by witness David Weber to convey any level of passion in his opening above reptilian, Cull tersely replied, “I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.” Their conversation ended on good terms, with Weber’s “domo arigato.”

    Set to open against Cull was ALEX BLOCK, whose speech was measured at just over 194 decibels. Before the round, Miami had to bail ALEX BLOCK out of jail following an arrest for verbally assaulting dozens of walls around Des Moines—ALEX BLOCK raised an affirmative defense of public necessity, arguing that if ALEX BLOCK rehearsed ALEX BLOCK’S opening in front of a mirror, the glass would shatter. With a court-mandated gag order (independent of content) pending approval, ALEX BLOCK delivered his opening at the All-American round on schedule. Halfway through it however, Pavel Gurevich had enough and snapped, silencing ALEX BLOCK with a sleeper hold and dragging ALEX BLOCK’s limp body out of the courtroom, never to be seen again. Rumor has it that Premier Gurevich sent ALEX BLOCK to a remote camp in Siberia. On clear nights, one can still hear ALEX BLOCK’s cries echo in the north wind: “SOMEONE STILL LOVES ME…BORIS YELTSIN?”

    Apparently AMTA not only excels at attracting non-human life forms, AMTA can breed them as well. Brandon Hughes refused to have any directing attorney but Brandon Hughes, and refused to have any witness to direct but Brandon Hughes. While most remained skeptical that Brandon Hughes could be so good as to pull off Attorney Brandon Hughes directing Witness Brandon Hughes, AMTA never worried. It turns out that Brandon Hughes is so good at everything because Brandon Hughes is begotten not made, of one being with the AMTA, who spawned Hughes in a test-tube with the intention of creating the ultimate mocking machine. This sinister project had only one purpose: distract mockers everywhere. AMTA’s previous attempt at gene-splicing, Co’relous Bryant, initially showed promise but suffered a nervous breakdown and, at last report, is still crying in front of cameras.

    It turns out that even the most ultimate of mocking machines cannot entertain Kerry Collins more than hard liquor. Before ALEX BLOCK’s opening had been finished for him, Collins had already downed the entire bottle of rye. When Hughes began performing, by himself, Marius Petipa’s most famous Pas de Deux (in lieu of a real direct examination), the entire peanut gallery was, as usual, in a trance. Collins, however, wasn’t even able to remain conscious. Left with no more booze, Collins merely passed out. This simple act of alcoholism caused all hell to break loose. Metta World Peace threw a violent elbow, Krav Maga style, to the back of Collins’ skull. World Peace claimed this act was only intended to keep Collins awake “out of respect for the competitors.” Instead, it caused an all-out brawl to ensue. Patrick Wixson and Yancy Cobb began strangling each other over the last piece of pie, while Liam McCabe, who made the mistake of wearing a bow-tie to the round, was beaten to death with a ballpeen hammer. Bryce Harper was the only judge left keeping score at this point and elected to give everyone a “1” to ensure that no one thought that they could be better than THE Bryce Harper. When Harper’s ballot was returned for leaving off all ranks, Harper filled out every spot with “Bryce Harper”.

    All in all, The Prague feels that the All-American round went a bit better than expected. During the melee, The Prague informed UGA and Penn State of AMTA’s nefarious plot to erase all traces of ANCT and anyone who got in the way. The final round would soon begin, and instead of seeing Danny Dawson one more time, spectators would learn the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

    UGA A v. PENN STATE A, B, C, & D

    Taking position to view the final round, The Prague was horrified to see an empty courtroom, with no trace of the UGA or Penn State competitors

    It turns out that AMTA decided that you, Perjuries, can’t handle the truth, and had gotten to them first, locking UGA A in the basement with several dozen boxes of Franzia and not much to do. The team was found after a few hours by Des Moines animal control, who, based on the noises coming from the basement, thought they were busting an illegal dog-fighting ring. AMTA reps arrived on the scene soon after, and, feigning surprise at the situation, banned the entire team for another year.

    The fate of the entire Penn State mock trial program is much more grim and unclear. While UGA had been previously punished for mere alcohol abuse, Penn State had been sanctioned for committing an unforgivable sin in the eyes of AMTA: tampering with team rosters in a program coached by someone other than Toby J. Heytens. That, on top of Penn State’s intention to expose AMTA’s prior bad acts in the ANCT final round, must have led to a grisly punishment about which the Prague can only speculate.

    The courthouse was searched to no avail. Des Moines held no trace of the nittany lions at all. Even the locker rooms back at Penn State (which are now under heavy surveillance for some reason) were empty.

    For these reasons, the final round of ANCT, once again, did not take place. Two seasons in and ANCT still has had no actual winner. Since the truth about AMTA never came out in the round, The Prague was forced to create this affidavit, telling you, Perjuries, everything The Prague has learned in this last year’s travels and perils. Though AMTA charades as an innocuous non-profit, AMTA acts as a power-hungry, cutthroat organization, silencing dissent, quashing competition, and eliminating anyone who stands in AMTA’s way.

    Though AMTA has fought valiantly, The Prague has persevered. Though The Prague has further risked The Prague’s safety by creating this affidavit and spreading the truth, deep down The Prague takes comfort in knowing that those who have made it this far will also be willing to find The Prague, to join and fight. The Prague is waiting, lamp lifted beside the golden door.

    Though we may never know the fate of Penn State at the hands of AMTA, the Prague leaves you with the only clue they left. Carved into one of the counsel tables in the courtroom that was set to house the ANCT final round reads an epitaph of sorts, the last testament of the vanquished competitors of Penn State:

    “Alone to despair. Alone to blame. Alone to cry.”

    ___________/s PGH________
    Prague Gnostic Hater

    Subscribed and sworn before me on this 18th of June, 2012.

    ___________/s EL________
    Emma Lazarus

  2. #2
    Senior Member captainbowtie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Quote Originally Posted by Prague Gnostic Hater View Post
    After being duly sworn upon oath, Prague Gnostic Hater hereby deposes and states as follows:
    2) Drake A (7-1): Drake have hosted many an NCT, but have not made it to competition in recent years. Finally able to enjoy Drake’s home field advantage, Drake largely swept through the first three rounds. But hearing Hamline complain about Hamline’s hosting plight can only be compared to Medgar Evers hearing Rodney King complain about discrimination. The sight of Josh Peterson’s sensual performance as Gerardo finally sent Drake over the edge. Set to hit Hamline in round 4, the bulldogs pulled billy clubs out of their tripod bags and proceeded to viciously beat their opponents to death in the middle of the well. The judges, having also seen the video, found it a convincing case theory.
    While I appreciate your illumination of the ills that AMTA has perpetrated this past year, I'm afraid I can't leave any witnesses regarding what we at Drake have dubbed the "Peterson Incident" Particularly when it cost us an 8-0 record at the ANCT. Careful coming to Des Moines next time Prague. It'd be shame if one of our old trial briefcases was to hit you on its way to the dumpster.
    Ray Barr (the Amazing)
    University of Minnesota Law School
    Drake University, 2014
    "Bow ties are cool."

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Wow, what a great post! We should totally become Facebook friends!

    Or, perhaps...we already are.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Even better than the last
    Ethan Treacy
    University of Georgia

  5. #5
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Dear PGH,

    I tend to treat Perjuries like the Washington Post, glancing at the headlines as I pass by a public trash can, deigning not to justify it with a response. This post, however, has emboldened me to break my silence. It is as artful as it is humorous; as satirical as it is well-written. Dare I say, the likes of Jon Stewart and Mr. Colbert would be proud if they gave any more than zero fucks. And let us thank God they don't: there are infinitely more pressing matters in the world to tend to.

    But I digress. I tip my hat to you, PGH. As I contemplate my return to AMTA for my senior year, I find the hope of winning an All-American less alluring than the possibility of generating enough Perjuries notoriety to merit mention in next year's ANCT.

    Godspeed, my friend,
    The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist

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